4 out of 5 Marriages End in Divorce, says Apple

Recent results from Apple scientists indicate that 4 out of 5 marriages end in divorce. Additional studies showed that 4 out of 5 Americans were Republicans, that 4 out of 5 Americans were watching the World Cup, and something to do with iPhones.

However, in a dramatic turnaround, yesterday Apple issued a retraction:

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many people were affected is totally wrong. Our graphs, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more things than it should for a given data set. For example, we sometimes display 4 people divorcing (out of 5) when we should be displaying as few as 2 people out of 5.

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula. The real data remains the same, but the Apple scientists will now report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the data. We are also making people 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.

Two issues here are troubling me here:

1. Apple is somehow making shorter people taller. As a tall person, I view this as a threat.

2. Apple is adopting something from AT&T? That seems like bad idea. 4 out of 5 fanboys absolutely hate AT&T. However, maybe Apple can adjust the fanboy signal strength as well.